MAGIC?: Paul Daniels and Vanessa Feltz in wifeswap

 IT WAS the marriage made in hell—magician Paul Daniels and TV presenter Vanessa Feltz thrown together for Celebrity Wife Swap.

He wished—in fact, they BOTH wished—he could wave a magic wand, and abracadabra make Vanessa vanish in a, big, puff of smoke.

You can see little and large clash when they and partners Debbie McGee, 48, and Ben Offoedu, 34, trade places for the Channel 4 show on Sunday night. But here we give WD40 ad man Paul, 68, and Vanessa, 44, the chance to reveal their true feelings for each other. But be warned, it's not pretty...

PAUL SAYS:

"I LIKE laughter but she is one of the most serious women I have ever met. We had absolutely no chemistry. Debbie and I just take the mickey out of everything and are a lot more relaxed.

When I told Vanessa, ‘Look what you're carrying! SLIM!' she got upset. She took it very personally. But all I was doing was caring about her. I worry about people who are overweight.

She is fat and that's a fact. In the last 15 years, two of my mates have died as a result of obesity. When I explained to her about my mates, she took it all as a real criticism.

Poem

One of Vanessa's rules was that I had to write a poem for Debbie. Vanessa thought that was a romantic thing to do. She doesn't know how romantic I am. Last year I was in a restaurant with Debbie when I said, ‘I wish I'd never married you'.

She looked shocked and asked me why. So I told her, ‘Well, then I could ask you all over again'. That's far more romantic than slogging over a poem.

When I came up with a funny poem, ‘I miss you more than my computer, it's very nice that you are cuter', Vanessa told me, ‘That's doggerel!' And this was meant to be a fun day!

She then read me out this ancient poem from the 1400s.

I immediately corrected her and told her, ‘But that's a gay poem'. It had never occurred to her. But Vanessa kept insisting, ‘No, it's not. It's from an old woman to a man. I've loved this poem since I was 14!'

When I pointed out it was written by Sir Phillip Someone-or-other, she started blustering. I don't need educating. I like laughter.

When I proposed to Debbie, I told her, ‘I'm a lot older than you, I'm not very tall and I'll probably go a lot balder. The only thing I will promise you, is our life will never be boring'. And it isn't.

So take something from Vanessa's lifestyle? Er, WHY? But I don't regret doing the show. I bought a new environmentally-friendly Prius car with the money they paid me.

VANESSA SAYS:

7I had a miserable week because the mighty magician is only bothered by his silly tricks—and not anyone else, certainly not a fat feminist like me.He never showed any interest in me, but had the cheek to talk about my weight to the cameras.

How unchivalrous is that?

Of course I'm too fat, but is it nice to say that to the nation and not to my face?

Dumpling

There are plenty of things I could have said about Paul. I didn't comment on the fact he is a midget and certainly no Brad Pitt. I look like a bit of a dumpling, but at least I have a healthy attitude to food.

Paul and his wife don't. She even has a plastic pig in her fridge that starts oinking and saying ‘stop eating, fattie' any time you open the door.

Paul and Debbie live in an isolated bubble, in a posh house on the river. Nobody ever goes in or comes out.

Paul spends his nights slumped over the remote control watching reruns of Inspector Morse from the 1970s—it's incredibly boring.

Debbie just waits on him. I had to take him breakfast and get into bed with him to eat it.

All the while he talks about what a legend he is—at length. But his magic left me cold. He tried to show me a trick and it failed. I didn't know where to look. It was so embarrassing.

Paul thinks I take everything so seriously. Yeah right! In his home there is no humour at all.

When I got Paul out to the pub with the locals I had a drink and a laugh. He turned me down for a slow dance. Mind you by that point I'd have rather danced with Godzilla.

Paul is around the same age as my dad so I'm not going to be dissing an OAP because it's not respectful. That's not how I was brought up. But I absolutely loathed Paul.

Resisting sad Paul was not difficult. The sight of him in his little pyjamas did not fill me with love or put fire into my loins. I do not find him sexy— I find him sexless.