KELLY OSBOURNE GOES WILD FOR THE STD TESTS AFTER PREGNANCY SCARE

Proving that brains do not run in the Osbourne family (either because you killed them all with your death-defying drug abuse or because you never had them in the first place) Kelly Osbourne has confessed to tempting the venereal fates in her youth.

So far, so what. But we awarded extra knobhead points to young Kelly, first for whoring round LA sans love glove at the tender of age of 13 and then second, believing herself to be pregnant as a result.

She told The Sun:

"I convinced myself I was pregnant when I was 13 and I hadn't even got my period."

Maybe Sharon was too busy going at Ozzy with a kitchen knife in a blind rage to explain the birds and the bees to Kel. But proving that there's nothing like massive media exposure for the role of World Contraception Day ambassador to make you wise up sharpish, the 'Chicago' star has been lecturing all and sundry about buckling up before you ride.

"We need to protect ourselves against infection and unwanted pregnancy. Girls - speak to your doctor, take the pill and use condoms."

Wow. A journalist in front of you will make you say the cleverest things.

"I am not the kind of person who talks about my sex life, but I am not afraid to talk about contraception. I go three, maybe four times a year to get tested for sexually transmitted infections and most of the time I don't even need to. I just go for peace of mind."

This rather makes us wonder who the fuck is shagging this slack-jawed slab of mutton so regularly that she needs to visit the clap clinic three or four times a year?

Answers on the back of a pill packet please.