GWYNETH PALTROW STOPS ACTING

After saying something like, 'ooh working mothers are bad', Gwyneth Paltrow has gone the whole hog and decided to pack-in the playing make-believe until her nippers have grown up a bit. Hurrah!

The 35-year-old, who has the acting ability of a bowl of week-old porridge, told the Daily Mirror that she'd be sacking off making straight to DVD films until the kids were old enough to disown her. Or just until this Autumn. Still, we mustn't moan. A few months may hold off a sequel to Sky Captain. 

"I'm not doing another film until next Autumn," said Paltrow.

"Everything is about family, I'm putting movies on a backburner. London is my home for now - this is where we are concentrating our time," 

I hope she tattoos "Everything is about family, I'm putting movies on a backburner" on her hand, like her old man almost, and remembers that next time she's asked to play the SOFTLY SPOKEN BORE in the INSIPID PERIOD DRAMA. Phew.