LILY ALLEN TURNS INTO A RECLUSE

Lily Allen has turned into a recluse and refuses to leave the house because she no longer wants to drink or take drugs. And apparently that's all that goes on when you're young, live in London and work in the music industry. She could always get a new job then, as long as she stays away from the media and doesn't become say, a TV presenter?

Lily Allen has admitted to Glamour magazine that she's sad, lonely and that her only friend is her TV. But it's probably one of those wide-screen expensive ones so we don't feel that sorry for her. And she's probably only watching 'Lily Allen and Friends' on repeat anyway.

She says:

"I've been sad and quite lonely recently because if you're young, living in London and working in this industry, unless you drink and take a lot of drugs, there's not much to do.I've been sitting on my own watching TV. It's boring to go out if everyone else is taking cocaine and shouting at me."

It sounds as though Lily's the one doing too many drugs and suffering from paranoia.

She also spoke about her former arch nemesis, Cheryl Tweedy/Cole/Tweedy.


"Cheryl has had an awful time. Two years ago I’d have been, 'Ha ha!'. Now I could never take anything positive from anyone suffering."

Now, if we were a tabloid newspaper, we'd take that out of context and write - "Lily on Cheryl Cole: 'Cheryl has had an awful time... Ha ha!'"

Come on, hacks, reignite that little battle and it could fill your pages for weeks! 

Lindsay Lohan Makes Awesome Decisions

While Lindsay Lohan was (allegedly) stealing self-tanning recipes, hit movie roles were passing her by. The starlet, who clearly knows a good role when she smells one (“I Know Who Killed Me,” that pregnancy movie, etc…) reportedlypassed on an opportunity to star in “The Hangover.”

Why? Idk, stop questioning Lindsay’s decision-making skillz.

Lohan, 23, declined the role of stripper Jade in The Hangover after declaring the screenplay “had no potential.”

A source tells Us that director Todd Phillips approached Lohan to star in the hit flick after their mutual agent campaigned on the actress’ behalf.

“The agent tried hard to get Phillips to consider her,” says the source, “and when he finally agreed, Lindsay said she didn’t like the script!”

Meanwhile, “The Hangover” went on to score $208 million and counting at the box office with Heather Graham in the role Lindsay turned down.

Kristin Chenoweth Calls Out American Airlines For Crappy Treatment

American Airlines has some ‘splaining to do! The airline recently gave Kristin Chenoweth a hard time when she was boarding one of their planes with her service dog.

According to TMZ, the drama went down Tuesday when the actress was boarding a flight from Dallas to Los Angeles with her service dog. Apparently a gate agent supervisor told Kristin that she didn’t have the correct paperwork to take her little pooch on board.

Although the 44-year-old actress swore she had all necessary documentation, the AA employee still denied this and got “verbally abusive” with her. Poor Kristin, so upset over all of it, burst into tears.

The airline figured it out eventually and let Kristin and her pups get on the plane, but the whole thing left a bad taste in the actress’ mouth. After the flight she tweeted, “American Airlines: Dallas flight attnt supervisor Ms. Kidwell. Abuse not okay. #tripfromhell.”

In response, a rep for the airline told TMZ: “We have been in touch with Ms. Chenoweth to offer our apologies for the misunderstanding. We refunded the [$125] cabin pet charge as soon as we realized the mistake. We hope she will consider flying American again in the future.”

What a pain. Flying is stressful as it is, and to have to deal with rudeness over boarding your service dog makes it even worse. I too, fly with my dog for anxiety reasons (I have the worst fear of flying), so I feel for Kristin, I do. I think the airline could have offered a little more than an apology, geez.

SARAH JESSICA PARKER UPSET AT MAGAZINE POLL RESULT

Last October Sarah Jessica Parker was voted ‘Unsexiest Woman Alive’ in a poll published by Maxim magazine. It’s taken her five months to express her anger at this result, but luckily for her she’s managed to do it just as her new film comes out, which helps in the publicity stakes...

She cantered into an interview with Grazia magazine, tossed her mane imperiously and snorted,

"Do I have fake boobs, Botox and big lips? No. Do I fit some ideals and standards of some men writing in a men's magazine? Maybe not,”

she said, forgetting the fact that it was members of the general public that voted in the poll, not just a handful of bored writers.

“Am I really the unsexiest woman in the world?” (No comment from me).

“Wow! It's kind of shocking when men… It's so brutal in a way, so filled with rage and anger, so it was surprising to me that more people didn't talk about the providence of it, that it's coming from these men.”

Tsk! These bloody men indeed, with their love of women with human faces rather than the equine equivalent! Sarah’s outburst would be more palatable if she didn’t appear in those annoying ads for her perfume in which she looks like Desert Orchid peddling his own piss. Anyway, she’s happy as she is, so there.

“I played a lot of parts, women that are really interesting and attractive to me. Obviously someone thinks I'm palatable to some degree."

Poor Matthew Broderick. He seems like such a nice (if short-sighted) man…

BRITNEY SPEARS TO GET WEEKLY ALLOWANCE FROM HER DAD

Just when it seemed that life couldn't get any more embarrassing for poor Britney Spears, here comes her father standing up in court and declaring that he will allow her to pootle around Hollywood with a debit card of her own money, with a limit of $1500 a week.

We all know Britney spent more than that on petrol when she was rushing around LA getting the paparazzi to follow her every move, but surely this sum isn't even enough to pay her Taco Bell bill for a week?

Clearly her dad, Jamie Spears, thinks this is more than enough for a dashing young pop star around town, or so he told the court hearing into her financial circumstances. You know what'll happen. She'll use this as an excuse not to wear any knickers again, this time with the excuse that she actually can't afford a set of duds to cover herself.

As for Jamie himself, he's getting the sum of $2,500 a week merely to look after her money and come up with brilliant ideas like this. So if you're in LA and a young, tired-looking lady sidles up to you and asks if she can borrow $120,000 for a new sports car (and she promises to pay you back when she's flush) don't be tempted to help her out. It's for her own good. Well, it must be, because daddy says so.

WINONA RYDER IN NEW SHOPLIFTING ALLEGATIONS

Winona Ryder is obviously back 'researching' for a new film role as she was stopped by staff at a pharmacy when she was leaving and was found to have a small amount of items that she had forgotten to pay for. Where have we heard this story before?

The actress was all over the press in 2002 when she absent-mindedly wandered out of Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills with a mere $6000 worth of unpaid clothing, having absent-mindedly stuffed clothes into her bags and down her jumper before absent-mindedly running like fuck once the alarms sounded.

Now, the National Enquirer are reporting that the actress has been searching for a five-finger discount at the CVC Pharmacy in Hollywood.

“Winona had a bag of stuff, but she set off the theft alarm when she left the store. When a security guard stopped her, he found make up she had not paid for. When asked about the make up, she said that she didn’t know how that happened. We took unpaid items back and she left the store.”

What a terrible and embarrassing oversight for poor Winona! Again. She's really let herself go. Ripping off Saks is one thing, but a chemist's shop? Next she'll be wandering around the local Poundstretcher with a baggy coat and a huge hat full of sellotape and out of date Kit Kats.

JENNIFER LOPEZ GETS HER TWIN BABIES WORKING

You can get a fair bit for six million dollars. You can rebuild a man, barely alive and make him faster, stronger and better. Or you can just spunk the lot up the wall by giving it to Jennifer Lopez in exchange for an interview about her new twins and some badly taken photographs of the family. Guess which option People magazine went for?

MSNBC are reporting that the magazine are already a bit unhappy with the deal. They should have gone the Steve Austin route after all. Jennifer’s first demand was that the magazine NEVER again refers to her as ‘J-Lo’ because that name is in the past.

“J-Lo’ was from her Puffy and Ben Affleck days; she’s in a different place now. She wants whoever does the story to not call her that in the piece or ever again for that matter.”

Yes, she’s in a different place now alright and not so much Jenny from the block as Jemmy who has bought the block and is renting it out as a tax-deductible side income. J-Lo’s other demand was more bizarre. She insisted that her skeletal husband Marc Anthony be the photographer for the shoot, despite the fact he has little experience of photography and looks too ill and weedy to actually lift a camera.

“When you’re paying an incredible amount of money for the photos, the idea of having Marc take the pictures doesn’t sit well,” said a source from the magazine, slapping their forehead and making ‘What were we thinking?’ noises.

Maybe he’s the greatest photographer in the world. Or maybe Marc managed to wangle a little deal for the photographs to ensure a little more cash? I’d imagine that J-Lo and Skeletor are going to have many more children. They’re such a good source of income, after all.

NICOLE KIDMAN'S BODYGUARD ATTACKS PAPARAZZI

Now that Nicole Kidman is pregnant her entourage appear to be taking a refreshingly robust attitude towards the paparazzi when protecting her. If the photographers get too close, her staff seem to be adopting a zero-tolerance attitude towards anyone who might endanger the mother-to-be. By attacking them without hesitation.

Just last week Nicole's personal trainer (a rather large man with a neck thicker than most people's thighs) decided to show his fisty displeasure towards some unwanted photo-action.

Last Thursday Nicole's longest serving bodyguard David Michael Garris decided to let those years of pent-up frustration out on a French photographer who had been following Kidman a little too closely.

Now you can argue that press people are just doing their jobs and are providing a service, but when you hear this paparazzo whining like a little Gallic girl and almost in tears at the fact that someone has made him accountable for his actions, there seems to be a strange sense of justice in the air.

Mais non?

Angelina and Brad are expecting twins apparently.

Angelina and Brad are expecting twins apparently. A boy and a girl. Just like J-Lo. Geez, having twins must be airborne in Hollywood at the moment. They're all squeezing them out. 

Needless to say, the actress who went at pains to pretend her pregnant bump was just a case of the 'windypops' for as long as possible, has now told her pals that she's having not one but two children and that they will be a girl and a boy. And they in turn have sold their stories to gossip outlets. As you do. 

They'll be having a boy and a girl," said the great friend to In Touch.

"Because Angelina took fertility treatments to help her ovulate, her babies are fraternal. They're ecstatic. She can't wait."

Let's just be nice eh and say 'well done to the Jolie Pitts.' We really didn't think they had it in them. 

CHANELLE ABOUT TO RELEASE DEBUT SINGLE 'I WANT IT'

Chanelle Hayes from Big Brother (the one who wanted to look like Posh Spice, so not Chantelle who wanted to look like Paris Hilton) is just about to release her debut single, 'I Want It'. And on a scale of one to ten (ten being so bad you're almost tempted to slit your wrists) it's probably just below Rebecca Loos's effort at number nine. 

Chanelle must have got really bored going around pretending to be Victoria Beckham all day long. And there's only so many times you can appear semi-naked in Zoo/Nuts and the Daily Star/Sport.

So now she's finally decided to release a single, although we thought she'd have faded back into oblivion with Ziggy by now. This single should see her off though.

But we must admit, it's just a little bit catchy (cue abuse!)...

Here it is.